I'm a bit behind on some of the newer movies, so cut me a little slack. I watched this on Wednesday night and was pretty impressed. I figured it would be another Will Smith, money making blockbuster type, but I really enjoyed it.
Basically, you get Big Willy Style and his dog for around 58 minutes. And that's all the people in the movie. However, Will carries it pretty well. Ever seen Castaway? I love Tom Hanks, but gimme a break. This film does a good job of jumping from the past to the present to explain the plot, as well as give you a sense of what it would feel like if you were the last person on earth. By the way, I totally want the dog from this movie. He rocks.
Some felt that the ending was a little weird, but I disagree. I thought it was a well designed and acted film. The special effects are a little too...blocky? but we're kind of spoiled nowadays by special effects, so I give that a pass.
I know I'm being a little cryptic on this review, but it's one of those movies that you really can't describe in detail without ruining it. Comments are most certainly welcome.
Overall score:
4 out of 5 post-Armageddon zombie limbs
Friday, March 28, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Unbelievable!
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ROAD HOUSE, OR OVER THE TOP!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ok, I'm cool with that. Not everybody had cable back in the 80's. Actually, I think my parents gave me a year round pass to our Blockbuster at the time, Movies to Go, just so I wouldn't try to explain how wierd it is that Hulk Hogan was in both Rocky 3 and Wrestlemania 3. (side trivia, what was Hogan's name in Rocky 3?) btw, I know the answer, just seeing if you did.)
OK, aside from Tango and Cash, this was the best (worst) Stallone movie (aside from Cliffhanger) (sorry for all the parentheses, but they are needed.)
Stallone, is a truck driver named Hawk. His son is a preppy kid sent to a military school after his mom gets cancer (or some other disease). Kid's mom decides it's a good idea for them to travel across the country and get to know one another. Little do we know that Hawk is also a professional arm wrestler!! That's right. How else do you expect for him to pay for gas?
Robbert Loggia, of Scarface and Big fame, plays the over-protective grandpa who just BEG'S for a tractor-trailor to get driven over his fountain and into his foyer.
The last 30 minutes of this movie are undescribably hilarious. There's the world championship of arm wrestling going on in Vegas. The villain is named Bull Hurley. One of the guys is sponsered by Ben-Gay. None of this is made up.
I'm not recommending this if you're looking for cultural enlightenment. This is Stallone at his best. Any questions?
Final verdict:
2 1/2 Frank Stallone songs
Ok, I'm cool with that. Not everybody had cable back in the 80's. Actually, I think my parents gave me a year round pass to our Blockbuster at the time, Movies to Go, just so I wouldn't try to explain how wierd it is that Hulk Hogan was in both Rocky 3 and Wrestlemania 3. (side trivia, what was Hogan's name in Rocky 3?) btw, I know the answer, just seeing if you did.)
OK, aside from Tango and Cash, this was the best (worst) Stallone movie (aside from Cliffhanger) (sorry for all the parentheses, but they are needed.)
Stallone, is a truck driver named Hawk. His son is a preppy kid sent to a military school after his mom gets cancer (or some other disease). Kid's mom decides it's a good idea for them to travel across the country and get to know one another. Little do we know that Hawk is also a professional arm wrestler!! That's right. How else do you expect for him to pay for gas?
Robbert Loggia, of Scarface and Big fame, plays the over-protective grandpa who just BEG'S for a tractor-trailor to get driven over his fountain and into his foyer.
The last 30 minutes of this movie are undescribably hilarious. There's the world championship of arm wrestling going on in Vegas. The villain is named Bull Hurley. One of the guys is sponsered by Ben-Gay. None of this is made up.
I'm not recommending this if you're looking for cultural enlightenment. This is Stallone at his best. Any questions?
Final verdict:
2 1/2 Frank Stallone songs
Friday, March 14, 2008
My first movie trashing
OK, I've gotten my feet wet in this movie reviewing thing, but any movie reviewer worth a crap knows how to rip a movie apart. So that's my next challenge, and I've picked a good one. Monster's Ball.
1st of all, this in no way reflects on the Halle Berry sex scene. I mean, she won an Oscar for that frickin scene. That's how good she was. I didn't even care that you had to watch Billy Bob Thorton in a sex scene. That's how good she was. However, as good as those 45 seconds were, it doesn't make up for the other 111 minutes and 15 seconds of putridity.
OK, I'm totally gonna blow the plot for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet, but I don't care cause you shouldn't watch it anyway. Billy Bob's a correctional officer at a prison. Halle Berry's husband is on death row. Billy Bob's on the squad that executes her husband. Billy Bob's son shoots himself cause he thinks his dad hates him (he does). Halle's kid gets hit by a car and dies. Both their kids are dead and Halle's husband is out of the way, so they start a "forbidden" relationship and sit around eating ice cream (I'm not joking about that). That's about it. Sounds like a good time, right?
I get it, OK? Billy Bob was a racist bastard who drove his son to kill himself, but becomes transformed when he meets this woman who he has something in common with. Let me ask you, who the heck wouldn't be transformed by Halle Berry? Huh?
Seriously though, I truly do not understand how this thing was nominated for any awards. I understand artsy or gritty movies are popular with the critics, and that's fine. I've seen Schindler's List. I've seen Crash. I've seen Million Dollar Baby. All those had some form of a redeeming quality. Aside from seeing Halle Berry's hoo-ha, I didn't find any in this film.
Final rating:
1 out of 5 naked Halle Berry's
1st of all, this in no way reflects on the Halle Berry sex scene. I mean, she won an Oscar for that frickin scene. That's how good she was. I didn't even care that you had to watch Billy Bob Thorton in a sex scene. That's how good she was. However, as good as those 45 seconds were, it doesn't make up for the other 111 minutes and 15 seconds of putridity.
OK, I'm totally gonna blow the plot for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet, but I don't care cause you shouldn't watch it anyway. Billy Bob's a correctional officer at a prison. Halle Berry's husband is on death row. Billy Bob's on the squad that executes her husband. Billy Bob's son shoots himself cause he thinks his dad hates him (he does). Halle's kid gets hit by a car and dies. Both their kids are dead and Halle's husband is out of the way, so they start a "forbidden" relationship and sit around eating ice cream (I'm not joking about that). That's about it. Sounds like a good time, right?
I get it, OK? Billy Bob was a racist bastard who drove his son to kill himself, but becomes transformed when he meets this woman who he has something in common with. Let me ask you, who the heck wouldn't be transformed by Halle Berry? Huh?
Seriously though, I truly do not understand how this thing was nominated for any awards. I understand artsy or gritty movies are popular with the critics, and that's fine. I've seen Schindler's List. I've seen Crash. I've seen Million Dollar Baby. All those had some form of a redeeming quality. Aside from seeing Halle Berry's hoo-ha, I didn't find any in this film.
Final rating:
1 out of 5 naked Halle Berry's
Thursday, March 13, 2008
For all the ladies out there
I've been made to watch a lot of movies I would have never watched before. My Mom considered herself quite the movie connoisseur, that is, before she popped out a couple of units and quit watching TV. I guess her infatuation was genetic, cause it got passed along with my Y chromosome. Yeah that's right, I have one. Which brings me to the girlie movie of the week. Victor/Victoria.
I know how much the ladies love, and the guys hate, musicals. For example, Chicago, Moulin Rougue, Dreamgirls, Footloose, etc. This movie isn't really a musical in the purist sense though. There are a few scenes where they perform musical numbers on stage. So I think guys are able to suffer through it. (Hey guys, did I mention James Garner was in this? He played a badass sheriff. Also, Alex Karras was in it. You know, Mongo from Blazing Saddles? He was Webster's dad? He played football for the Detroit Lions before getting kicked out of the league for gambling for Christ sake!!)....sorry ladies.
Anyway, Julie Andrews of German nun/slut and crazy umbrella witch fame, plays a young singer in France who can't get a shot. A gay performer, played by the incomparable Robert Preston (hey guys, psst, over here..he was the guy who was in charge of the video game in the Last Starfighter), gets a fantastic idea. Dress like a dude, and act like a female impersonator. Guess what happens. That's right, hilarity ensues.
Anyway, I'm not gonna give away much more of the plot, but here are a couple more people in the movie: Leslie Ann Warren (Ms. Scarlet from Clue) and that dude who was Indiana Jones's bodyguard when he was in Egypt. I do not remember his name.
Seriously though, I know I'm gonna be challenged on my manhood for this one, but if you can watch the last 10 minutes of this movie without cracking a smile, then you suck. And I don't like you anymore.
Final rating:
3 3/4 transvestites
I know how much the ladies love, and the guys hate, musicals. For example, Chicago, Moulin Rougue, Dreamgirls, Footloose, etc. This movie isn't really a musical in the purist sense though. There are a few scenes where they perform musical numbers on stage. So I think guys are able to suffer through it. (Hey guys, did I mention James Garner was in this? He played a badass sheriff. Also, Alex Karras was in it. You know, Mongo from Blazing Saddles? He was Webster's dad? He played football for the Detroit Lions before getting kicked out of the league for gambling for Christ sake!!)....sorry ladies.
Anyway, Julie Andrews of German nun/slut and crazy umbrella witch fame, plays a young singer in France who can't get a shot. A gay performer, played by the incomparable Robert Preston (hey guys, psst, over here..he was the guy who was in charge of the video game in the Last Starfighter), gets a fantastic idea. Dress like a dude, and act like a female impersonator. Guess what happens. That's right, hilarity ensues.
Anyway, I'm not gonna give away much more of the plot, but here are a couple more people in the movie: Leslie Ann Warren (Ms. Scarlet from Clue) and that dude who was Indiana Jones's bodyguard when he was in Egypt. I do not remember his name.
Seriously though, I know I'm gonna be challenged on my manhood for this one, but if you can watch the last 10 minutes of this movie without cracking a smile, then you suck. And I don't like you anymore.
Final rating:
3 3/4 transvestites
Poolhall Junkies
OK, 1st of all, Ben has pressured me to post a movie review blog every day for the rest of my life. I watch a lot of movies, but that's a lot of movies. Therefore, since we played some pool at C's tonight, this movie review will be about a very under-the-radar movie that I liked called Poolhall Junkies. Ben will play the part of the protagonist Johnny Doyle, and I will play his bastard staker Joe.
Ben was a virtuoso pool player. It was instinct. However, Adam realized that if Ben ever went pro, he'd not only find that he was better than the lousy poolhalls he hung around in, Adam would loose his horse. So, when the letters from the Pro Tour came around, Adam would toss them in the trash.
After awhile, Ben realized what was happening and dumped Adam like a bad meal at a mexican restaurant. (sorry, I just read about that mexican restaurant that got a 13 on the health rating scale)
Anyway, Ben realizes his worth, and the rest of the movie is about him proving Adam wrong.
There's a fantastic performance by CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!! That's right, you heard me. He plays a major role in this film. And he's awesome. Not True Romance awesome, but Walken awesome nonetheless. Adam's part is played by the always smooth Chaz Palentiere (a gangster-type, again). Also, Rod Steiger has an inspirational role.(If you don't know who this cat is, go rent In the Heat of the Night, and I mean today) One of my favorite parts of this flick is when Ben takes his kid brother to see a REAL pool tournament and all the real life pool players try to act. Seriously, you cannot pay for this kind of comedy.
To sum up, this movie is like a hybrid of Rounders and Boondock Saints. Sound weird? The Rounders part is of course from the game and the gambling and the seedy underbelly of a game we all know. The Saints part is because even though the movie looks kind of grainy and some parts of the plot make you groan inwardly, even a little, it's still a cool, refreshing movie to watch. Like a nice cold Miller Highlife after mowing the lawn.
So, here's the verdict:
3 1/2 out of 5 Walkens. Check it out. I think you'll like it.
OK, since I've done a few manly movies for my 1st couple blogs, my next one will be for all the ladiiieeeess out there. Stay tuned.
Ben was a virtuoso pool player. It was instinct. However, Adam realized that if Ben ever went pro, he'd not only find that he was better than the lousy poolhalls he hung around in, Adam would loose his horse. So, when the letters from the Pro Tour came around, Adam would toss them in the trash.
After awhile, Ben realized what was happening and dumped Adam like a bad meal at a mexican restaurant. (sorry, I just read about that mexican restaurant that got a 13 on the health rating scale)
Anyway, Ben realizes his worth, and the rest of the movie is about him proving Adam wrong.
There's a fantastic performance by CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!! That's right, you heard me. He plays a major role in this film. And he's awesome. Not True Romance awesome, but Walken awesome nonetheless. Adam's part is played by the always smooth Chaz Palentiere (a gangster-type, again). Also, Rod Steiger has an inspirational role.(If you don't know who this cat is, go rent In the Heat of the Night, and I mean today) One of my favorite parts of this flick is when Ben takes his kid brother to see a REAL pool tournament and all the real life pool players try to act. Seriously, you cannot pay for this kind of comedy.
To sum up, this movie is like a hybrid of Rounders and Boondock Saints. Sound weird? The Rounders part is of course from the game and the gambling and the seedy underbelly of a game we all know. The Saints part is because even though the movie looks kind of grainy and some parts of the plot make you groan inwardly, even a little, it's still a cool, refreshing movie to watch. Like a nice cold Miller Highlife after mowing the lawn.
So, here's the verdict:
3 1/2 out of 5 Walkens. Check it out. I think you'll like it.
OK, since I've done a few manly movies for my 1st couple blogs, my next one will be for all the ladiiieeeess out there. Stay tuned.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Road House
This movie inspired me to actually create this blog, so it's the one I'm gonna start with. Last week, I heard that Patrick Swayze was dying of pancreatic cancer. Although it turns out he's doing pretty well, I wigged out because Jeff Healy died a couple of weeks ago. I was completely surprised by how many of my friends had never seen Road House before, since it's on every weekend on TNT/TBS/USA/Spike/whatever other cable movie channel you can think of. It totally encapsulates all the great 80's action movie cliches, and does it in a totally hilarious way. (even if it's unintentionally hilarious). So here we go:
(spoiler alert: on this blog I'm going to try to give an overview of the movie's plot, as well as how much i liked/disliked it. I'll try not to ruin any endings if I can, just be warned. Of course, with movies like Road House, the plot's not exactly winning any Oscars, so you don't have much to worry about.)
So we start with the Double Deuce, a bar/club outside of Kansas City, whose clientele has become less than respectable. Fights every night, bartenders skimming from the register, chicken wire around the band, the works. How can you clean up a place like this? Easy. Call Dalton (Swayze), the best "cooler" around, '89 mullet and all. (a cooler is like a lead bouncer). He arrives at the Double Deuce and starts right in, firing waitresses who were dealing drugs, bartenders and bouncers with bad attitudes. Only problem is, the bartender he fires is the nephew of Brad Wesley, a pretty mean guy who owns the entire town. Hilarity ensues, in the way that only cheesy 80's movies are able.
This movie has it all, action, bad asses: Swayze, Terry Funk and Dalton's mentor Wade Garrett, played by the awesome Sam Elliott, hotties: the smoking Kelly Lynch (watch for the scene where she's wearing a tablecloth for a dress) and Julie Michaels (who I just found out was an accomplished stunt woman, but she doesn't do any stunts in the movie, unless you consider not hurting anyone with her atrocious acting a stunt), a monster truck, a polar bear attack, good music (RIP Mr. Healy), incredible hair and all around 80's fun. Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly over the top and makes you laugh at all the places you're not really supposed to laugh, but there's a reason men and women both like Patrick Swayze. Women like him because he's a good dancer and when he dies, he can jump into Whoopie Goldberg and you can still make out. Men like the Swayze because of his SNL skit with Chris Farley and Road House. Period.
So, if you've never seen it, I highly recommend it. It's just a fun movie to watch, even if it's in a MST3K kind of way.
Final rating: 4 out of 5 mullets
(spoiler alert: on this blog I'm going to try to give an overview of the movie's plot, as well as how much i liked/disliked it. I'll try not to ruin any endings if I can, just be warned. Of course, with movies like Road House, the plot's not exactly winning any Oscars, so you don't have much to worry about.)
So we start with the Double Deuce, a bar/club outside of Kansas City, whose clientele has become less than respectable. Fights every night, bartenders skimming from the register, chicken wire around the band, the works. How can you clean up a place like this? Easy. Call Dalton (Swayze), the best "cooler" around, '89 mullet and all. (a cooler is like a lead bouncer). He arrives at the Double Deuce and starts right in, firing waitresses who were dealing drugs, bartenders and bouncers with bad attitudes. Only problem is, the bartender he fires is the nephew of Brad Wesley, a pretty mean guy who owns the entire town. Hilarity ensues, in the way that only cheesy 80's movies are able.
This movie has it all, action, bad asses: Swayze, Terry Funk and Dalton's mentor Wade Garrett, played by the awesome Sam Elliott, hotties: the smoking Kelly Lynch (watch for the scene where she's wearing a tablecloth for a dress) and Julie Michaels (who I just found out was an accomplished stunt woman, but she doesn't do any stunts in the movie, unless you consider not hurting anyone with her atrocious acting a stunt), a monster truck, a polar bear attack, good music (RIP Mr. Healy), incredible hair and all around 80's fun. Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly over the top and makes you laugh at all the places you're not really supposed to laugh, but there's a reason men and women both like Patrick Swayze. Women like him because he's a good dancer and when he dies, he can jump into Whoopie Goldberg and you can still make out. Men like the Swayze because of his SNL skit with Chris Farley and Road House. Period.
So, if you've never seen it, I highly recommend it. It's just a fun movie to watch, even if it's in a MST3K kind of way.
Final rating: 4 out of 5 mullets
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